Light Humor

[Dean213]

Teacher Fell Asleep In Class And A Little Naughty Boy Walked Up To Him,

Little Boy : “Teacher Are You Sleeping In Class?”
Teacher : “No I Am Not Sleeping In Class.”
Little Boy : “What Were You Doing Sir?”
Teacher : ” I Was Talking To God.”

The Next Day The Naughty Boy FellAsleep In Class And The Same
Teacher Walks Up To Him

Teacher : “Young Man, You Are Sleeping In My Class.”
Little Boy : “No Not Me Sir, I Am Not Sleeping.”
Angry Teacher: “What Were You Doing.??”
Little Boy : “I Was Talking To God.”
Angry Teacher: “What Did He Say??”
Little Boy : “God Said He Never Spoke To You Yesterday”

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Teacher: "Kids, what does the chicken give you?"
Student: "Meat!"
Teacher: "Very good! Now what does the pig give you?"
Student: "Bacon!"
Teacher: "Great! And what does the fat cow give you?"
Student: "Homework!"

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A child asked his father, "How were people born?" So his father said, "Adam and Eve made babies, then their babies became adults and made babies, and so on." The child then went to his mother, asked her the same question and she told him, "We were monkeys then we evolved to become like we are now." The child ran back to his father and said, "You lied to me!" His father replied, "No, your mom was talking about her side of the family."

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[Dean213]

A bus full of ugly people had a head on collision with a truck. When they died, God granted all of them one wish. The first person said, "I want to be gorgeous." God snapped his fingers and it happened. The second person said the same thing and God did the same thing. This want on and on throughout the group. God noticed the last man in line was laughing hysterically. By the time God got to the last ten people, the last man was laughing and rolling on the ground. When the man's turn came, he laughed and said, "I wish they were all ugly again."

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A man to a psychiatrist: “How do you select who should be admitted to your facility?” 



The psychiatrist replies: “We fill a bathtub with water and give the person a spoon, a cup and a bucket. Then we ask that person to empty the bathtub.” 

The man smiles: “Ah, I understand, if you are sane you would take the bucket.” 

The Psychiatrist replies: “No, a sane guy pulls the plug. Do you want a room with or without a balcony?”

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Woman to her husband while at it: "Please say dirty things to me!"

 
Man: "Bath, Kitchen, Living room..."

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The teacher said to his class one day, "Please stand up, anyone who thinks they're stupid."


Nobody stood up so the teacher said, "I'm sure there are some stupid students in this class!"

At this point Little Johnny stood up.

The teacher said, "Oh Johnny! So you think you're stupid then?"

Little Johnny replied, "No, I just felt bad that you were standing up on your own."

-------------->>

[Dean213]

A little bird was flying south for the winter. It was so cold the bird froze and fell to the ground into a large field. While he was lying there, a cow came by and dropped some dung on him. As the frozen bird lay there in the pile of cow dung, he began to realize how warm he was. The dung was actually thawing him out! He lay there all warm and happy, and soon began to sing for joy. A passing cat heard the bird singing and came to investigate. Following the sound, the cat discovered the bird under the pile of cow dung, and promptly dug him out and ate him.

Moral of the story:

1. Not everyone who sh1ts on you is your enemy
2. Not everyone who gets you out of sh1t is your friend
3. And when you’re in deep sh1t, it’s best to keep your mouth shut!!!


--->>>

A priest offered a lift to a lady. She got in and crossed her legs, forcing her gown to reveal a leg. The priest nearly had an accident. After controlling the car, he stealthily slid his hand up her leg. The nun said,”Father, remember Psalm 129?” The priest removed his hand. But,changing gears, he let his hand slide up her leg again. The nun once again said, “Father, remember Psalm 129?” The priest apologized “Sorry sister but the flesh is weak.” Arriving at the convent, the nun went on her way. On his arrival at the church, the priest rushed to look up Psalm 129. It said, “Go forth and seek, further up, you will find glory.”

Moral of the story: If you are not well informed in your job, you might miss a great opportunity.

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My wife and me were watching "Who Wants To Be A Millionaire" while in bed. I turned to her and said, "Do you want to have s_x?"


"No," she answered.

I then said, "Is that your final answer?"

"Yes," she replied.

Then I said, "I'd like to phone a friend."

That's the last thing I remember after waking up in Hospital.

[Dean213]

A guy had just returned from two weeks of vacation.

He asked his boss for two more weeks off to get married.

"What?" shouted the boss, "I can't give you more time now. Why didn't you get married while you were off?"

"Are you nuts?" he replied. "That would have ruined my whole vacation."

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There was a burglar who broke into a home and started to gather the items he wanted to take.

All of a sudden he heard, "Jesus is watching you!"

He didn't see anything in the dark house, so he went on with what he was doing.

He heard, "Jesus is watching you!" again and then he really wondered who was saying that. He turned on the flashlight, scanned the room, and finally saw a parrot. "Did you say that?" asked the burglar.

"Yes," replied the parrot.

"By the way, what's your name?" the burglar inquired."Moses," answered the parrot. "That's a strange name for a parrot. Who named you that?"

"The same people who named their Rottweiler Jesus!"

[Dean213]

A man meets a woman at a bar and asks her

"Would you have sex with me for 10 million dollars?"

Without skipping a beat she screams

"Yes!"

The man then asks

"What about for $20?"

She looks at him sideways and says

"What do you think I am, a whore?"

The man says

"We've already established that you are, now we're just negotiating."