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05-27-2021, 02:23 AM
· An invisible man married an invisible woman. The kids were nothing to look at either.
· I didn’t think the chiropractor would improve my posture. But I stand corrected.
· I took my new girlfriend out on our first date to the ice rink, and entry was half price. She called me a cheap skate.
· Studies show cows produce more milk when the farmer talks to them. It’s a case of in one ear and out the udder.
· I used to date a girl with one leg who worked at a brewery. She was in charge of the hops.
· My cross-eyed wife and I just got a divorce. I found out she was seeing someone on the side.
· My wife claims I’m the cheapest person she’s ever met. I’m not buying it.
· Did you know that a raven has 17 rigid feathers called pinions, while a crow only has 16. The difference between a raven and a crow is just a matter of a pinion.
· I told my carpenter I didn’t want carpeted steps. He gave me a blank stair.
· What did the surgeon say to the patient who insisted on closing up his own incision? Suture self.
· Coronavirus last night. Turns out it was just Saturday night fever
· The World Health Organization has announced that dogs cannot contract Covid-19. Dogs previously held in quarantine can now be released. To be clear, WHO let the dogs out.
· I saw an ad for burial plots, and thought to myself “That's the last thing I need."
· Intelligence is like underwear. It is important that you have it, but not necessary that you show it off.
· Relationships are a lot like algebra. Have you ever looked at your X and wondered Y?
· A courtroom artist was arrested today for an unknown reason... details are sketchy.
· People are making end of the world jokes like there's no tomorrow.
· Whatever you do, always give 100%--unless you're donating blood.
· What do you call a sleepwalking nun? A roamin’ Catholic.
· What did Snow White say when she came out of the photo booth? Someday my prints will come.
· A girl said she recognized me from her vegetarian club, but I’d never met herbivore.
· Dad, are we pyromaniacs? Yes, we arson.
· I've always had an irrational fear of speed bumps but I'm slowly getting over it.
· What word becomes shorter when you add two letters to it? Short.
· If you're not supposed to eat at night, why is there a light bulb in the refrigerator?
· My dad died when we couldn't remember his blood type. As he died, he kept insisting "be positive," but it's hard without him.
· Don't let your worries get the best of you; remember, Moses started out as a basket case.
· The grandfather who moved to Yugoslavia.....U. Gogh
· The brother who accidentally bleached all his clothes white.....Hue Gogh
· The real obnoxious brother.....Please Gogh
· The brother who ate prunes.....Gotta Gogh
· The uncle who worked at a convenience store.....Stop N. Gogh
· His dizzy aunt.....Verti Gogh
· The cousin who moved to Illinois.....Chica Gogh
· His magician uncle.....Wherediddy Gogh
· The cousin who lived in Mexico.....Amee Gogh
· And who also had a relative North of the Border.....Grin Gogh
· The nephew that drove a stage coach.....Wells Far Gogh
· The uncle who was constipated....Cant Gogh
· The aunt who loved ballroom dancing.....Tan Gogh
· His ornithologist uncle.....Flamin Gogh
· His nephew, the Freudian psychoanalyist.....E. Gogh
· His cousin who loved tropical fruits.....Mang Gogh
· And he had an aunt who taught the power of positive thinking.....Way To Gogh
· His bouncy young nephew.....Poe Gogh
· His Disco-loving sister.....Go Gogh
· And his niece, who's been traveling the U.S. in a van.....Winnie Bay Gogh.
· I thought I saw an eye-doctor on an Alaskan island, but it turned out to be an optical Aleutian.
· She was only a whisky-maker, but he loved her still.
· A rubber-band pistol was confiscated from an algebra class, because it was a weapon of math disruption.
· No matter how much you push the envelope, it'll still be stationery.
· A dog gave birth to puppies near the road and was cited for littering.
· A grenade thrown into a kitchen in France would result in Linoleum Blownapart.
· Two silk worms had a race. They ended up in a tie.
· A hole has been found in the nudist-camp wall. The police are looking into it.
· Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.
· Atheism is a non-prophet organization.
· Two hats were hanging on a hat rack in the hallway. One hat said to the other: 'You stay here; I'll go on a head.'
· I wondered why the baseball kept getting bigger. Then it hit me.
· A sign on the lawn at a drug rehab centre said: 'Keep off the Grass.'
· The midget fortune-teller who escaped from prison was a small medium at large.
· The soldier who survived mustard gas and pepper spray is now a seasoned veteran.
· A backward poet writes inverse.
· In a democracy it's your vote that counts. In feudalism it's your count that votes.
· When cannibals ate a missionary, they got a taste of religion.
· If you jumped off the bridge in Paris, you'd be in Seine.
· A vulture carrying two dead raccoons boards an airplane. The stewardess looks at him and says, 'I'm sorry, sir, only one carrion allowed per passenger.'
· Two fish swim into a concrete wall. One turns to the other and says, 'Dam!'
· Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, so they lit a fire in the craft. Unsurprisingly it sank, proving once again that you can't have your kayak and heat it too.
· Two hydrogen atoms meet. One says, 'I've lost my electron.' The other says, 'Are you sure?' The first replies, 'Yes, I'm positive.'
· Did you hear about the Buddhist who refused Novocain during a root-canal? His goal: transcend dental medication.
· There was the person who sent ten puns to friends, with the hope that at least one of the puns would make them laugh. No pun in ten did.
· I didn’t think the chiropractor would improve my posture. But I stand corrected.
· I took my new girlfriend out on our first date to the ice rink, and entry was half price. She called me a cheap skate.
· Studies show cows produce more milk when the farmer talks to them. It’s a case of in one ear and out the udder.
· I used to date a girl with one leg who worked at a brewery. She was in charge of the hops.
· My cross-eyed wife and I just got a divorce. I found out she was seeing someone on the side.
· My wife claims I’m the cheapest person she’s ever met. I’m not buying it.
· Did you know that a raven has 17 rigid feathers called pinions, while a crow only has 16. The difference between a raven and a crow is just a matter of a pinion.
· I told my carpenter I didn’t want carpeted steps. He gave me a blank stair.
· What did the surgeon say to the patient who insisted on closing up his own incision? Suture self.
· Coronavirus last night. Turns out it was just Saturday night fever
· The World Health Organization has announced that dogs cannot contract Covid-19. Dogs previously held in quarantine can now be released. To be clear, WHO let the dogs out.
· I saw an ad for burial plots, and thought to myself “That's the last thing I need."
· Intelligence is like underwear. It is important that you have it, but not necessary that you show it off.
· Relationships are a lot like algebra. Have you ever looked at your X and wondered Y?
· A courtroom artist was arrested today for an unknown reason... details are sketchy.
· People are making end of the world jokes like there's no tomorrow.
· Whatever you do, always give 100%--unless you're donating blood.
· What do you call a sleepwalking nun? A roamin’ Catholic.
· What did Snow White say when she came out of the photo booth? Someday my prints will come.
· A girl said she recognized me from her vegetarian club, but I’d never met herbivore.
· Dad, are we pyromaniacs? Yes, we arson.
· I've always had an irrational fear of speed bumps but I'm slowly getting over it.
· What word becomes shorter when you add two letters to it? Short.
· If you're not supposed to eat at night, why is there a light bulb in the refrigerator?
· My dad died when we couldn't remember his blood type. As he died, he kept insisting "be positive," but it's hard without him.
· Don't let your worries get the best of you; remember, Moses started out as a basket case.
· The grandfather who moved to Yugoslavia.....U. Gogh
· The brother who accidentally bleached all his clothes white.....Hue Gogh
· The real obnoxious brother.....Please Gogh
· The brother who ate prunes.....Gotta Gogh
· The uncle who worked at a convenience store.....Stop N. Gogh
· His dizzy aunt.....Verti Gogh
· The cousin who moved to Illinois.....Chica Gogh
· His magician uncle.....Wherediddy Gogh
· The cousin who lived in Mexico.....Amee Gogh
· And who also had a relative North of the Border.....Grin Gogh
· The nephew that drove a stage coach.....Wells Far Gogh
· The uncle who was constipated....Cant Gogh
· The aunt who loved ballroom dancing.....Tan Gogh
· His ornithologist uncle.....Flamin Gogh
· His nephew, the Freudian psychoanalyist.....E. Gogh
· His cousin who loved tropical fruits.....Mang Gogh
· And he had an aunt who taught the power of positive thinking.....Way To Gogh
· His bouncy young nephew.....Poe Gogh
· His Disco-loving sister.....Go Gogh
· And his niece, who's been traveling the U.S. in a van.....Winnie Bay Gogh.
· I thought I saw an eye-doctor on an Alaskan island, but it turned out to be an optical Aleutian.
· She was only a whisky-maker, but he loved her still.
· A rubber-band pistol was confiscated from an algebra class, because it was a weapon of math disruption.
· No matter how much you push the envelope, it'll still be stationery.
· A dog gave birth to puppies near the road and was cited for littering.
· A grenade thrown into a kitchen in France would result in Linoleum Blownapart.
· Two silk worms had a race. They ended up in a tie.
· A hole has been found in the nudist-camp wall. The police are looking into it.
· Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.
· Atheism is a non-prophet organization.
· Two hats were hanging on a hat rack in the hallway. One hat said to the other: 'You stay here; I'll go on a head.'
· I wondered why the baseball kept getting bigger. Then it hit me.
· A sign on the lawn at a drug rehab centre said: 'Keep off the Grass.'
· The midget fortune-teller who escaped from prison was a small medium at large.
· The soldier who survived mustard gas and pepper spray is now a seasoned veteran.
· A backward poet writes inverse.
· In a democracy it's your vote that counts. In feudalism it's your count that votes.
· When cannibals ate a missionary, they got a taste of religion.
· If you jumped off the bridge in Paris, you'd be in Seine.
· A vulture carrying two dead raccoons boards an airplane. The stewardess looks at him and says, 'I'm sorry, sir, only one carrion allowed per passenger.'
· Two fish swim into a concrete wall. One turns to the other and says, 'Dam!'
· Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, so they lit a fire in the craft. Unsurprisingly it sank, proving once again that you can't have your kayak and heat it too.
· Two hydrogen atoms meet. One says, 'I've lost my electron.' The other says, 'Are you sure?' The first replies, 'Yes, I'm positive.'
· Did you hear about the Buddhist who refused Novocain during a root-canal? His goal: transcend dental medication.
· There was the person who sent ten puns to friends, with the hope that at least one of the puns would make them laugh. No pun in ten did.
